Nafsiya Reflections: A Love Which Never Breaks

Welcome to another episode of Nafsiyah Reflections - A Love Which Never Breaks

Growing up in both societies I knew what a marriage should be like. How an Islamic household is, what being a wife and a mother looked like, what being a husband or a father resembled. And I saw how a western household was, or seemed, and what it looked like in the movies and that it wasn’t real. But I felt reassured that I knew what an Islamic household was. I was wrong!

I thought I knew Islam. I thought I knew the teachings of Islam. For it was simple. The man has (Qawamah), he holds the power. The wife also has power, but not over the husband. The woman takes care of the children and household. The man pays for everything. End of story. Oh boy, was I wrong.

See, parts of that is true, I wasn’t one hundred percent wrong. I was just missing the whole picture. But let's get into the actual pretext. Let me help you understand... because man, do we need to understand! So rewind a little bit. Wait... do they still say rewind?

The Islamic household is like no other! Truly! And I can say that whole heartedly; for we truly don’t know what we are missing! We were born into a society that shaped us, right? Shaped us into being who we are. It gave us ideas, pictures, definitions... etc. So in that, we saw our parents, we saw our friends’ parents, we saw our grandparents maybe, or other relatives. And then we would compare it all to Islam, from halal and haram perspectives, if we were aware enough to do that. So we knew what an Islamic household looked like, or should look like. And if you are lucky convert, I salute you! You are trying to find everything you need to know how to live your life in a way to please Allah SWT, in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of your life. And that is such a blessing! Born Muslim, is a blessing as well, but most of us have to separate culture from Islam and this is where the challenge starts. Culture! Society! The systems we live under.

For these systems are what shape our minds. See a lot of Arab men grew up not really doing much around the house, for they worked outside the house. And it isn’t technically their job anyways. The woman could work, but taking care of the house and the children was her job. And I am guessing a lot of other cultures can relate, because none of us today, live under Islam.

There is an ayah in which Allah (swt) said:

(الرِّجَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللَّـهُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَىٰ بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُوا مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ)

[Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth.] Surah An-nisa’: 34

That is what men heard. The prophet Muhammad peace be upon him said,

" ...اسْتَوْصُوا بِالنِّسَاءِ خَيْرًا "

“So act kindly towards women.”

Men would think, “Okay I won’t hit them.”

Most of us did not grow up with the Seerah, so we never knew the full context of these blessed Hadiths. We grew up with right and wrong, as if that is all Islam was. Do this or Allah will put you in Jahanam, or hell, do this and you go to Jannah. “Do you want to go to Hell?” They would ask us as children.

And then comes the west, the capitalist west. Showing us how a happy household looked like. Visualized it in our minds. We would see it in movies, in cartoons and in children’s books. It was ideal. Except for the fact that it wasn’t. And then they started teaching us and pointing out society’s flaws in the name of Islam. They knew how to take us away from our Deen. For all they had to do, was pull us away from Islam a little, taking us away from the Nawafil, parts of the Sunnah, but leaving us with the obvious Fards. They blinded us, tore us apart, and convinced us it was liberation.

So you see... life became a mess. No wonder why we can’t seem to get our thoughts straight!

So let me shed light on what Islam truly is... what a marriage and a family in Islam looks like. What mercy and compassion is in a relationship. What a fulfilling, blissful marriage looks like.

Let’s start from the beginning.

" عَنْ عَبْدِ اَللَّهِ بْنِ مَسْعُودٍ ‏- رضى الله عنه ‏- قَالَ لَنَا رَسُولُ اَللَّهِ ‏- صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏-{ يَا مَعْشَرَ اَلشَّبَابِ ! مَنِ اسْتَطَاعَ مِنْكُمُ اَلْبَاءَةَ فَلْيَتَزَوَّجْ , فَإِنَّهُ أَغَضُّ لِلْبَصَرِ , وَأَحْصَنُ لِلْفَرْجِ , وَمَنْ لَمْ يَسْتَطِعْ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالصَّوْمِ ; فَإِنَّهُ لَهُ وِجَاءٌ".‏ } مُتَّفَقٌ عَلَيْهِ

Narrated 'Abdullah bin Mas'ud (RA): Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said to us, "O young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it (marriage) controls the gaze and preserves one from immorality. And whoever cannot (marry) should fast, for it is a means of reducing the sexual desire." [Agreed upon]

قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم " الْعَمَلُ بِالنِّيَّةِ، وَإِنَّمَا لاِمْرِئٍ مَا نَوَى، فَمَنْ كَانَتْ هِجْرَتُهُ إِلَى اللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ فَهِجْرَتُهُ إِلَى اللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَمَنْ كَانَتْ هِجْرَتُهُ إِلَى دُنْيَا يُصِيبُهَا أَوِ امْرَأَةٍ يَنْكِحُهَا، فَهِجْرَتُهُ إِلَى مَا هَاجَرَ إِلَيْهِ "

“The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "The rewards (of deeds) are according to the intention, and everybody will get the reward for what he has intended. So whoever emigrated for Allah's and His Apostle's sake, his emigration was for Allah and His Apostle; and whoever emigrated for worldly benefits, or to marry a woman, then his emigration was for the thing for what he emigrated for."

“The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "A woman is married for four qualities, for her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion: so get the religious one and prosper."

وَعَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ - رضى الله عنه - عَنِ النَّبِيِّ - صلى الله عليه وسلم -قَالَ : { تُنْكَحُ اَلْمَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ : لِمَالِهَا , وَلِحَسَبِهَا , وَلِجَمَالِهَا , وَلِدِينِهَا , فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ اَلدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ } مُتَّفَقٌ عَلَيْهِ مَعَ بَقِيَّةِ اَلسَّبْعَةِ

Wait there is another... the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said,

" إِذَا أَتَاكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَدِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ إِلاَّ تَفْعَلُوا تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الأَرْضِ وَفَسَادٌ عَرِيضٌ "

"If there comes to you one with whose character and religious commitment you are pleased, then marry (your daughter or female relative under your care) to him, for if you do not do that there will be Fitnah in the land and widespread corruption."

(مِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ)

And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. [Ar-room: 21]

The messenger of Allah (ﷺ) who said,

"إن الله تعالى قال: "من عاد لي وليَّا، فقد آذنته بالحرب، وما تقرب إلي عبدي بشيء أحب إليَّ مما افترضت عليه، وما يزال عبدي يتقرب إليَّ بالنوافل حتى أحبه فإذا أحببته كنت سمعه الذي يسمع به، وبصره الذي يبصر به، ويده التي يبطش بها، ورجله التي يمشي بها، وإن سألني، أعطيته، ولئن استعاذني، لأعيذنه" ((رواه البخاري))

"Allah, the Exalted, has said: 'I will declare war against him who treats with hostility a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved thing with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (voluntary prayers or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) until I love him, (so much so that) I become his hearing with which he hears, and his sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he strikes, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me something, I will surely give him, and if he seeks My Protection (refuge), I will surely protect him". [Al-Bukhari]

The nature of a Muslim, of a Momin, is that He or she does not do what it only obligatory, but rather strives for the nawafil. Always striving to be something greater in the eyes of Allah. Striving in helping his wife as she tries to please Allah through him and herself. Knowledge is to be sought by both. For one will be asked about himself or herself first on the day of judgment. And in that the woman and the man are a team, working for the cause of Allah, striving together, for Allah’s pleasure, to Jannah. For they are half of each other’s deen.

See, the Islamic household is like no other. We are a household built on love. The love of the Creator, The All-Knowing, The Merciful. Built on the love of Allah. A love which never breaks.

Jazak Allahu Khayran for joining us!

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